Enjolras' Guide to Wooing
by yallaintright
Summary: Fourteen seconds after noticing he was in love with Grantaire, Enjolras realized he had no idea how romance worked.


Fourteen seconds after noticing he was in love with Grantaire, Enjolras realized he had no idea how romance worked. A normal person would panic but Enjolras is not a normal person. Enjolras is a 'drink a lot of coffee and come up with a plan and follow the plan through until it works while also drinking lots of coffee and then go kill Courfeyrac because he turned all your underwear bright pink while you were busy planning' person.

Two hours later, he had locked himself in his bedroom, along with all his underwear and every single romance book and movie he could find in a twenty mile radius.

Then he read the books, watched the movies, took notes and wrote a list on all the ways he might woo Grantaire.

**#1 The hero falls in love with the heroine after a makeover**

"Oh my god," Grantaire shrieks in horror, "what did you do to your _hair_?"

"Um, I cut it?" Enjolras says nervously. He was so sure this was going to work. It always works in the books. All the heroine has to do is get a makeover and the hero falls in love with her and _why_ must Grantaire always be difficult?

"You didn't cut your hair, you _shaved_ it." Grantaire says, in a very high-pitched sort of voice.

"I read a book -" Enjolras tries to explain but Grantaire cuts him off.

"Did you lose a bet?" Grantaire asks, narrowing his eyes.

From the floor, Joly interrupts them. "Oh my god, do you have cancer? Are you dying?" He asks, his voice rising with every syllable.

"He is not dying, Joly - " Grantaire tries to say.

"No, shut up, I'm taking him to the hospital to get him checked out."

"But - " Enjolras says.

"Hospital," Joly shouts, forcefully dragging Enjolras out of the room.

Suffice to say, item #1 on the list doesn't work

**#2 The heroine uses candles to seduce the hero**

Enjolras sneaks into Grantaire's apartment late one night when no one else is home and starts lighting candles. And then continues to light candles. And then sets fire to Grantaire's curtains.

Luckily, the fire doesn't spread but the curtains are still ruined. Enjolras takes the curtains and runs away as fast as he can. Grantaire spends the following week complaining about the asshole thief who broke into his apartment to steal his curtains.

Yeah, #2 is a failure as well.

**#3 The hero and the heroine get together to obey a will stipulation**

"Courfeyrac, I need your help," Enjolras says, bursting into Courfeyrac's room one day at 5 o'clock in the morning.

"Whatchamagodans?" Courfeyrac asks stupidly and Enjolras has no intention of trying to make sense of that.

"It is of vital importance that you write me a will from my non-existent aunt Antoinette saying that I can only access my inheritance if I am engaged to be wed," Enjolras says primly, sitting on Courfeyrac's legs so he won't run away.

Courfeyrac laughs so hards he falls to the floor, taking Enjolras down with him.

The he kicks Enjolras out of his bedroom and gleefully informs him that if Enjolras _ever_ wakes him up again, Courfeyrac is posting a picture of Enjolras without make-up on Facebook.

"But I don't even _wear_ make-up, Courfeyrac," Enjolras whines to the locked door.

Courfeyrac happily ignores him and then spends the rest of the week not talking to Enjolras because he disturbed his beauty sleep.

#3 doesn't work either.

**#4 The hero and the heroine get together after an Evil Other Woman tries to keep them apart**

"Éponine, I need you to act evil," Enjolras tells Éponine.

Éponine blinks. "_Why_?"

"You know how in romance novels the hero's ex is always evil and then _things_ happen and then the heroine realizes she is in love with the hero and they live happily ever after?" Enjolras asks.

"Enjolras, I am _not_ your ex," Éponine points out.

"Details," Enjolras says dismissively.

She narrows her eyes at him. "Has Courfeyrac dropped something on your head again?"

"What? No - "

Her probing fingers in his head interrupt him and, for the next week, whenever he tries to talk to her about the Evil Other Woman, she always starts checking his head for lumps.

#4 was probably a bad idea anyway.

**#5 The hero and the heroine realize they are in love in a life-threatening situation**

Long story short, Bossuet is never, ever, ever allowed to cook in Grantaire's apartment again without supervision and Enjolras is paying all of Combeferre's medical expenses.

#5 was a _terrible_ idea.

**#6 The hero always gives the heroine his coat**

"I think I'm cold," Enjolras complains dramatically, walking down the street with Grantaire. "Can I borrow your coat?"

Grantaire blinks at him. Enjolras blinks back.

"Enjolras," the artist says very patiently, "it's Paris, it's August and it's about 35ºC."

"Oh," Enjolras says. "Nevermind, then."

He will try #6 again when winter has come.

**#7 The heroine gets amnesia**

Enjolras quickly decides to ignore #7. Hitting his head against the wall until he forgets who he is doesn't really seem conducive to his goals.

**#8 The hero and the heroine kiss after eating the same piece of spaghetti**

Enjolras tries this at home and ruins his favorite shirt.

#8 is clearly not the way to go.

**#9 The hero and the heroine kiss in the rain**

"It's raining," Enjolras says, "do you want to go out there and - "

"What?" Grantaire interrupts, "And give myself a cold? No, thanks."

#9 probably never stood a chance.

**#10 The heroine throws pebbles at the hero's window**

Enjolras stands outside Grantaire's house throwing pebbles at his window for fifteen minutes straight but Grantaire just won't come down. So Enjolras picks bigger pebbles. And then he underestimates the size of one of the pebbles he's throwing and breaks Grantaire's window.

Later, he learns that it's not so much that #10 is a bad idea, it's just that it would probably work better if Grantaire wasn't halfway across the country visiting his aunt.

**#11 The heroine is very clumsy**

Unsurprisingly, #11 fails as well, but Enjolras does learn a very important life lesson - one must always check the temperature's of one's coffee before spilling it on top of the object of one's affections.

**#12 The heroine waits until the hero makes the first move**

When Enjolras gets home, Grantaire is naked on his bed.

"You are such an idiot," he says affectionately.

"What?" Enjolras says, narrowing his eyes and trying (and failing) not to notice how very deliciously naked Grantaire is.

"You set fire to my curtains." Grantaire says and his lips twitch.

"You'll never be able to prove it," Enjolras says innocently.

"You forgot your backpack on top of my bed, _you idiot_," Grantaire says dryly, "and there were scorch marks on the wall."

"Oh."

"And then you threw rocks at my window," Grantaire continues, "my neighbour saw you."

"I threw _pebbles_ at your window," Enjolras corrects.

Grantaire snorts. "One of your _pebbles_ was inside my room when I got back. It was bigger than my fist."

"Well…" Enjolras starts to say, but he has no idea how to continue.

"You are such an idiot," Grantaire repeats, "you're lucky I'm in love with you."

_Oh_. "What now?" Enjolras asks, completely unable to stop the smile spreading across his face.

"You may take off your clothes and join me," Grantaire declares magnanimously, "if you promise you'll never try to be romantic again."

Enjolras promises.


End file.
